Day 3 and Day 4

Sorry, I didn't post last night. We got home late from the swimming party at Jenn's house. We had an absolute blast. I needed to be with friends.

I did not walk yesterday. I intended to but it just didn't work out. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers before I left for the party. I wish I could say I did extremely well on eating at the party but I didn't. Although, I didn't eat as much as I normally would, I had several drinks. Being with my friends really cheered me up but I'm back home again where it gets tough.

I got up today around 10 since we swam most of the day and night and got in bed around 1am. Everyone slept in around here except for Steve.

Things haven't been going good for us today. We had a huge argument and he told me he wouldn't be sad if I left. That hurt me so much. He told me our marriage 'sucked'. Of course, I cried about it. It all stems from me being so overweight.

I went into the kitchen and cleaned up all the dishes and was really thinking about things. I just wondered what 3 things that I could do to make our marriage better. He said that he has told me a million times what I could do to make our marriage better. He said that I gave up on myself and our marriage when I chose to gain weight. I know that I disgust him, but I wasn't giving up on my marrage. If anything, I wasn't paying enough attention to myself and my needs. I have done so much for this family, but he doesn't see that, He can only see the negative things I do. Yes, I did give up on myself, but I never gave up on our marriage. I want to be thin for him, but more than that...I want to be thin for myself. My self image and esteem has been so bad for so long.  He has made me feel  like I'm not worth anything for so long, which has only made my addiction to food worse. I really don't want to blame him for me being like this because it's ultimately not his fault. I'm just saying that he is not helping any.

The only thing I can do is just keep on going. I can't promise him that I will lose weight. He just has to see it happen. Unfortunately, it is a long process. I just don't know if he will be here in the end. I don't blame him if he leaves me. He has to do what he thinks will make him happy and I have to do what makes me happy. I will not leave him even though I think about it at times. I do love him but am tired of him putting me down for being overweight.

I am going to do well on my walking and eating today. I have to for ME !!!!!